Women are leaving the Church, but let’s stop justifying it

Women have been leaving the Church at rising rates for more than a decade. For years, men were the primary defectors, but for the first time in history, women are walking away even faster.

Six years ago, I began noticing this shift. The pandemic accelerated the trend, and the numbers have not recovered.

I stumbled upon this data while researching the opioid crisis — tens of thousands dying each year, many from “deaths of despair.” These are people caught in generational patterns of addiction, mental illness, broken family systems, and hopelessness. Having lost my mother-in-law to addiction, I often wondered what might have saved her — or my husband and his sister from the neglect and trauma of their childhoods (which I wrote about in Leaving Cloud 9).

As I pored over research, one correlation stopped me cold: those who attended church weekly had dramatically lower rates of addiction, depression, anxiety, divorce, and loneliness. They enjoyed stronger marriages, deeper friendships, better health, and richer community lives. They were more generous and more connected.

Within this beautiful framework God created is a wellspring of life and flourishing. So, it broke my heart to see women walking away from it. I know many didn’t leave casually; many left because they felt unseen, unsafe, or exhausted. But did it have to end there?

My passion to speak into this grew quickly.

The Church as an anchor

I’ve attended church my whole life — first at my Grandma’s Assemblies of God congregation with pews and hymnals, then at a modern non-denominational church where we wore jeans. My mother never failed to get us to that blue building on a hill, rain or shine. Despite the downfalls of 90s Evangelical culture (purity teaching among them), the good far outweighed the bad. I also know that’s not true for everyone, and some wounds run deep. I don’t minimize that.

Still, church was never optional for me. Every time I moved — to college, to a new city at 22, to Washington, D.C. — the first thing I did was find a church. It became my anchor in every storm. Small groups and Bible studies buoyed me through eating disorders, depression, and alcoholism. In every moment of straying, I was drawn back to the House of God.

Specifically, in dealing with a drinking problem, my church was there for me every step of the way, something I wrote about in depth in my new book, Freely Sober: Rethinking Alcohol Through the Lens of Faith.

Yes, the Spirit dwells with believers at all times. But there is something uniquely powerful and wonder-working about being among the Body of Christ.

As “citizens of Heaven,” the Church is an embassy of our true home — a place where we get to step inside eternity while still on earth.

Returning to the numbers

When I realized the real, measurable benefits of consistent church involvement, I wanted every woman to know. That passion led me to write Reason to Return: Why Women Need the Church & the Church Needs Women.

But not everyone welcomed the message. Some wanted a complaint manual, a manifesto about why women should be leaving the Church. Others asked why I didn’t focus on sexism, patriarchy, or mistreatment of single moms.

There is a place for those conversations, but that wasn’t the book I was called to write. My message was — and is — this: God loves His Church, and He calls us to be in it, of it, and working to improve it. That doesn’t mean tolerating the unacceptable, but it also doesn’t mean abandoning the Church entirely.

As headline-grabbing scandals from leaders like Bill Hybels and Ravi Zacharias emerged, my heart broke. But I also knew that thousands of faithful pastors and volunteers were serving quietly and sacrificially in churches no one will ever write about.

In my own church, I saw that faithfulness up close:

• A recently divorced, unexpectedly pregnant single mom showered with love and resources.
• A foster family supported without hesitation.
• A widow and a fatherless family cared for deeply after sudden loss.
• My newly saved husband experiencing a community that proved love doesn’t give up.
• Women walking through infidelity, infertility, and abuse—held, seen, and healed.

I know not everyone has experienced this kind of safety or support. Many hoped for it and were met with indifference or even harm. That grieves me. And it’s precisely why I want women to know: healthy, safe churches like mine do exist. More than we sometimes think.

Disrupting the status quo

My message didn’t land with those in the “women are leaving for good reasons” space. I was even disinvited from a major author’s podcast after her community insisted my book wasn’t critical enough of the Church.

Much of that pushback came from women deeply wounded by church environments. I understand why my message felt misplaced for them. Perhaps my words were not for them — at least not then. But they were for the women God set apart to hear them.

Still, I often wondered: does anyone care that women are leaving the very communities that could sustain them? Do the women loudly critiquing the church intend to help repair it?

Books like Jesus & John Wayne and The Making of Biblical Womanhood uncovered necessary truths, and I’m grateful these abuses are no longer hidden. But exposure alone isn’t the answer. It must lead somewhere — and I often see it stalling out at outrage.

Meanwhile, new data shows the problem worsening. Some blame men — sometimes fairly. I’m aware of the toxic, niche “theobro” culture online, but most men I know do not share those views.

Interestingly, men are now returning to church at the highest rate in history. We need that revival of male spiritual strength. The question is whether their return will help usher women back as well.

The limits of “church hurt” as an exit strategy

In a recent piece urging men to step up, Brandon Showalter wrote that many young women “can’t be part of churches anymore” due to hurt, blame, sexism, or dismissal.

I appreciate his leadership, but I disagree with the idea that church involvement becomes impossible.

To be clear: Some women have faced real sexism, silencing, or harm. Their experiences matter. I am not questioning their pain.

But pain does not negate calling.

Scripture is unambiguous: “God arranged the members of the body … as He chose” (1 Cor. 12:18).

We don’t get to opt out of the Church — not for convenience, not for discomfort, not even for the sins of others.

That doesn’t mean staying in unsafe places or refusing to name wrongdoing. It means seeking a healthier church, not abandoning church altogether. Pain is often where the Enemy exploits us most, not where we are most at fault.

The answer to disappointment or dysfunction is not to leave church altogether — it’s to reform it. Sometimes that means leaving a specific church. Sometimes it means tough conversations, new boundaries, or new leadership.

But leaving the entire church? For Christians, that is never the right answer.

The larger story we’re part of

In the chaos of modern life — noise, information overload, endless choice — we easily forget that life isn’t just about us. God crafted a larger plan for humanity, and the church is central to that plan.

We are not wandering atoms in a meaningless universe. We are divinely created participants in the greatest story ever told.

Many women who left for understandable reasons simply didn’t see a safe path forward at the time. But we cannot stay away forever.

So I ask:

How are we wrestling our way back to the Body we know needs healing?
And men — how are you helping shepherd that return?

Because the Church is not just one part of our lives. It is the structure on which everything else is ordered. When that foundation collapses, everything else trembles with it.

The church is worth fighting for. There is no other way forward.

Originally published at Honest to Goodness.